Everybody Farts
by Light My Crazy Diamond
Summary: I have no words. The only thing I'd like to say is that if you think this story will be tasteless, skip to Ness's speech at the end to understand what I had in mind when I wrote this story.


Yoshi walked through the lanes of the Smash Mansion garden, sighing from the simple delight of breathing in botanic aromas and looking at the fantastic diversity of the flowers and listening to the steady hums of the bees and the fanatic quarrels of the squirrels and the mellifluous chirps of the sparrows. It was such a beautiful day, a day that could never be ruined, no mater what the circumstances, and Yoshi couldn't help but burst out into a little song:

"Don't let yourself goooooooo~ 'Cause _every_ body cries ~ and _every_ body –"

FAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTTTS!

An explosion of tremor and noise shook Yoshi's balance and rattled his inner ears as he let out a scream. The entire scenery quaked for what must have been a full twenty seconds, and Yoshi slammed himself down onto the ground with his hands over his head, fearing for his life and praying for the earthquake to pass.

Pass it did, and when the ground was stable enough to walk again, Yoshi got to his feet in a slapstick fashion, falling over several times as his entire body shook vigorously, such was the extent of the trauma. Knees still trembling, he heard voices, feminine and high, coming from behind a particularly large wall of shrub.

Concern filled Yoshi and he immediately disregarded his own wellbeing as he ran over to the source of the sounds. He was just about to call out and ask whether anyone was hurt, whether everyone was alright, but as he grew nearer, the content of the conversation behind the hedge became clear, and Yoshi skidded to a halt in confusion as he listened on.

"Oh, Peach, that was such a loud and glorious fart! I didn't know you had it in you to release such delightfully baritone gas! Your excessively feminine and petite form is surely a clever façade to deceive those who lower their standards of farting when they see you!"

"Lady Palutena, you flatter me such! Or should I say… You FLACTULENCE me such!" There was another honk of sound, though this time nowhere near as devastating as the first, and Yoshi felt himself turning a greener shade of green as he realized the exact nature of what had just happened.

There were over-the-top, girly-girl, ditzy-ditz giggles, before Peach regained enough of her composure to squeal, "It's your turn now! Bend over and let me see, hear, and smell the divine and holy properties of your soprano fart that only a goddess can let loose!"

"Okay, but I'm warning you, it's going to be a deadly one –"

Yoshi had enough. He leapt into the air, flutter-jumping over the hedge and bellowing "STOP!" – but it was too late. As he landed on the other side and in front of the two ladies, Palutena lifted up one buttcheek. A stream of brown gas snaked out from underneath her, accompanied by a wet, sloppy grinding noise and a stench so ineffably rancid and overpowering that Yoshi's cheeks inflated with a suppressed retch.

"The brownness indicates that it stinks!" Palutena giggled.

"Yeah, TMI?" Yoshi muttered weakly. He took a few steps back, and then immediately proceeded to bury his face into some flowers and empty his lunch. Having a huge nose could be pretty destructive on one's health at times.

When he had recovered enough, he looked back to see the two ladies still giggling and farting away. Flowers were beginning to wilt, sparrows were falling from the trees, bees stopped dead in mid-flight, and the squirrels were beginning to throw their acorns at Palutena's and Peach's heads while pinching their noses.

"Why are you doing this?" Yoshi asked the question on everyone's mind at this point as he walked back. "Why are you destroying this beautiful world of Nintendo with your excessive and abundant farting? Not to mention it's extremely unladylike!"

"Oh, silly dinosaur," Peach cooed as she farted, " _every_ body faaaaaaarrrrrrrtttttts~!"

"Yeah, thanks for ruining a perfectly good song," Yoshi muttered under his breath.

"Even girls need to fart!" Palutena giggled as she, too, farted.

"Okay, okay, I know that," Yoshi said in an annoyed tone as he lifted up his hands, "so can we please stop farting for a minute so that we can have a decent conversation without you two interrupting every single second with a–"

FAAARRRTTT.

"Can I just ask a question? Why is it that you two are the only ones farting their fucking brains out, while everyone else is being perfectly normal and socially responsible by not destroying the entire world as we know it with their toots poots?"

"Oh, but we do fart, too!" cried another voice from somewhere behind Yoshi.

"Oh, no," Yoshi groaned as he turned around.

Out leaped Zelda, and she farted. And then Lucina came out, and she farted, too. After that Rosalina blasted off in space above them and she let out a rainbow of fart. Then Wii Fit Trainer came out and she farted as well, letting out some green gas from the crevice of her buttcheeks that threatened to burst forth from her super-tight shorts. Then Samus came out and she wasn't in her armor, she was in her ZeroSuit which was super-tight and exemplified every one of her assets, especially her ass which wiggled cutely as she let out a fart, and Yoshi forgot to mention that all the other girls' clothes were super-tight and placed great emphasis on their buttocks which reverberated whenever they farted –

"Okay, okay! I think we've had enough details at this point!" Yoshi hollered. He shook his head and closed his eyes. "I'm starting to realize a pattern here," he said as a symphony of farts played all around him. "I would have considered this silly and immature toilet humor any other day of my life, but it's perfectly clear from this skewed representation of gender, as well as the ridiculously exaggerated emphasis on one's posterior and its movements as one passes gas, that this isn't an ordinary fanfiction." Yoshi opened his eyes and stared up above. "Someone up there… He has a certain fetish for farting, doesn't he?"

There was a hush, as if Yoshi had committed sacrilege.

"What makes you say that?" Peach squeaked as she farted.

"Oh, come on, it's pretty fucking obvious. Whoever's enjoying this as he reads it probably has his hand wrapped around his dick as we speak. He probably writes shit like this on a regular basis too, and has to stop every fucking five minutes to fulfill his masturbatory desires. The over-emphasis on the female sex makes it pretty clear what's happening."

"It's not just girls," Palutena giggled as she let out the umpteenth fart. "Look, the Ice Climbers just came, and they're farting, too!"

"Yeah, one of them," Yoshi said sardonically. "And gee, I wonder which one?"

(Editor's note: It was Nana, and she farted).

"Oh, look! An actual male is farting!" Zelda pointed to Yoshi's side.

"Let me guess – Wario," he said without even looking.

"Wahahahaha!" Wario laughed as he let out a fart.

"What a surprise," Yoshi said nastily, kicking the ground in frustration.

"Okay, Yoshi," Palutena suddenly thundered in an amplified voice, as her buttocks thundered with an amplified fart, "you want to act all smart and clever? Fine. We'll give you exactly what you want." She clapped her hands once, twice, thrice, and all of a sudden every single Smasher was emerging from wherever they were previously and running over to the current scene of interest.

"What the –" Yoshi began, but could never finish as the Smashers gathered around him in a circle and started to fart.

Mario farted.

Luigi farted.

Bowser farted.

Bowser Jr. farted.

Larry farted.

Roy (the Koopaling) farted.

Wendy O' Koopa farted.

Iggy farted.

Morton Koopa Jr. farted.

Lemmy farted.

Ludwig von Koopa farted.

Donkey Kong farted.

Diddy Kong farted.

Link farted.

Toon Link farted.

Ganondorf farted.

Pikachu farted.

Charizard farted.

Lucario farted.

Greninja farted.

Jigglypuff farted.

Mewtwo farted.

Fox farted.

Falco farted.

Wolf farted.

Marth farted.

Roy farted.

Ike farted.

Robin farted.

Pit farted.

Dark Pit farted.

Kirby farted.

King Dedede farted.

Meta Knight farted.

Lucas farted.

Captain Falcon farted.

Olimar farted.

Alph farted.

Villager farted.

Popo farted.

Duck Hunt farted.

Little Mac farted.

R.O.B. let out a blast of hot exhaust gas.

Mr. Game and Watch 8-bit farted.

Sonic farted.

Shulk farted.

Megaman farted.

Pac-man farted.

Ryu farted.

"That's everyone!" Palutena said cheerfully as Yoshi thought that he was finally beginning to understand what it was like to go insane.

"No, you forgot me!" a certain voice shouted.

Yoshi turned. Ness, confident and angry, looked defiantly up at the tall goddess.

"You're not going to fart?!" Yoshi cried in relief.

"No! I'm going to burp, and THEN fart!" With that, Ness let out a belch, before letting out a fart.

Yoshi felt his happiness plunge back down into the depths of hell.

"Son of a –"

"Don't worry, man!" Ness exclaimed as he patted Yoshi on the back. "I just did that for the humor. I swear, I'm still with you!"

"Seriously?!" Yoshi felt the tears well up in his eyes as he hugged Ness fiercely. "You have no idea what I've been through! What's happening to everyone?! Ness – I'm scared. It's almost as if – almost as if we're becoming outlets for sexual satisfaction, and I don't like it at all, Ness. I don't like it one bit!"

"Relax, buddy," Ness said as he continued to thump Yoshi's back comfortingly. "Here, let me take over now." He let go, cleared his throat, and addressed the crowd:

"Fellow Smashers! Do you remember the days when our stories actually used to have substantial plot? It might not have been the best, nor might it have been told with the strongest grasp of the English language, but those were the times when it was an actual joy to read the stories of a creative writer who had earned the respect of many fans through just that – writing! Writing wholly new and original concepts, jotting down stories filled with intricate plots and gorgeous characters!" Ness took out his bat and slammed it against the ground. "But what happened now? What happened to the diversity and creativity? Why are we dwelling in insipid and monotonous stories of farts and burps and piss and scat?"

"Who are you," snarled Palutena, "to tell whoever's writing something… To write something else? It's his basic human right to write about whatever he wants, and if he wants to write about farting, then so be it!" Palutena ended her speech with a fart, and there was much applause and farting from the simple-minded crowd.

Ness shook his head. "That's not the point here. People can write about whatever they want, from demon-possessed apples to sexy farting. It's not in my or Yoshi's place to tell you what to do and what not to do." Ness looked above, as Yoshi had earlier. "I'm not ordering anyone here – I'm pleading. I'm pleading for a return to form, I'm pleading for a tried attempt at separating the sexual desires from the flow of creativity. It's totally fine to have a fetish – I won't judge. Everyone has his little quirk, his little flairs in personality, his unique little preferences, his own little idiosyncrasies. Farting stories are okay – heck, they can be brilliant, if you really enjoy that kind of stuff. Me, it's not my personal cup of tea, but hey, that's cool, that's fine. It's just – it's just so sad to see the quality of writing suffer, to see the intelligence of a creator become increasingly purged from existence, because all he wants to do, most of the time, is to just write as a means of releasing sexual fantasies and desire. Writing can be erotic, but it doesn't always have to be. It can be exciting, it can be thrilling, it can be romantic. It can be _beautiful_." Ness looked back down at the Smashers, who were now giving him their fullest attention. "Don't you guys agree?"

The Smashers looked at each other, speechless as the weight of Ness's words began to sink in. Yoshi and Ness waited with bated breath, their optimism swelling and swelling as they thought they recognized the familiar expressions of burgeoning realization –

FFFFFAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTTTTT.

"That's it, I can't be fucked anymore," Yoshi said as he pulled out a black revolver and put it against his head.

"Yeah, me neither." Ness took out the same brand of the gun and wrapped his mouth around the barrel.

"On the count of three," Yoshi said grimly as he raised up three fingers. "One… Two…"

FFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!


End file.
